"WE F…G SUCK SO FAR": A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters
I always like to picture sororities as places where college girls stage elaborately decorated mixers and then spend the rest of the week gouging out each other's eyes. And thankfully, the remarkable email you're about to read proves all of my theories correct. From reader Erik: "This is from the University of Maryland. Apparently, this is from the chair of a 'lower tier, very awkward sorority' that's been matched up with a 'pretty good frat' for Greek Week."
If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f...g ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F...G UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f...g AWKWARD and so f...g BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f...g find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying f...k, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you f....g love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f...g year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f....g repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not f...g possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid c...s: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F...G NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F...G SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F...G SUCK SO FAR.
This also applies to you little s...s that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f...g r...ed? That's not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said "Yeah we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn't, so WHY THE F... WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN'T be post gaming at other frats, I don't give a F... if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON'T GO. YOU. DON'T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f...g NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
"But [first name redacted]!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I've been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID F...G A... HATS, IT F...G DOESN'T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F...G WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN F...G UP AT SOBER F...G EVENTS TOO. I've not only gotten texts about people being f...g WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid a...ts and saying stuff like "durr what's kickball?" is not f...g funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F...g. Team. ARE YOU F...G STUPID?!! I don't give a S...T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F...G BLIND? Or are you just so f...g dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE F...G LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR F...G MATCHUP. I will f...g c... punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a f... if you SOR me, I WILL F...G ASSAULT YOU.
"Ohhh, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad". Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little a...wipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird s... that does weird s... during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT.
I'm not f...g kidding. Don't go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f...g awkward than 80 that are f...g...ts. If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys I'm too sober", then I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don't f...g show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn c...k block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to f...g God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober. I'm not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a f.... Go f... yourself.
-[Last name redacted]