Weddings always happen when you don't want them to happen:
Memorial Day Weekend? Let's do a wedding! It's OK, our friends will drop everything to celebrate our special day! Hope you weren't planning to relax! You have vacation plans?! Well, guess what!? Your vacation plans now include beautiful Rochester, New York! BTW, I'm totally guilty of this (See: Labor Day 2002).
The bridesmaid dresses will NOT be flattering:
Let's face it. It's impossible to make everyone in your bridal party happy. One bridesmaid wants a dress that will take attention away from her huge ass. The Maid of Honor wants a dress that will cover her shoulders. I won't lie. It doesn't matter. I can't tell if they're in a wedding or the starting Offensive Line for the Bills. The next flattering bridesmaid dress I see will be the first.
Wedding DJ's are atrocious:
It's a tough job. I get it. I've DJ'ed weddings before. I prefer being a broadcaster. Again, you can't make everyone happy, but the music of the evening sets the tone. Most wedding DJ's can't mix chocolate milk. No, I don't want to "make some noise" while you're playing "Let's Get Loud" by Jennifer Lopez. Oh, you're going to play "Baby Got Back"? Well, that's appropriate I guess. Let's get the entire bridal party to the dance floor! What do you mean, you don't have any Ying Yang Twins!? Let's get crunk up in this bitch! Bee Gees? Cool. "Everybody in the house, come on and let me hear you say 'hoooo!'" *crickets*
Gotta quote my Twitter buddy @K92BobPatrick
"Mobile DJs are like sports officials/umpires. If you leave and you didn't notice them, they did a good job." Amen.
Italian Weddings are the best!
I met a guy named Mossimo! I thought they only existed in mafia movies! Where else can you go to hear racial slurs and be told, "Ay, you look good, cuz."? An Italian Wedding, of course! And the cookie trays? Come on!
Looks like the Bridal Party came through...
That's not a dance floor. It's one of the four corners of hell:
Men hate dancing. The "Cha-Cha Slide" is not happening. Better find one of your "besties" for that. Oh, look! She's doing the "Vogue"! It's a Lady Gaga song, but...same diff, right?! Here comes the guy who can't hold his liquor! Wow! He's assaulting anyone he makes eye contact with on the dance floor! He has no rhythm! Wait, is he having a seizure?! The wedding dance floor sucks. Except that...
I'm only in it for the sex: What's that? A slow dance? IN! Now you're talking my language! Listen, babe. If we leave now, we can bang and be asleep by midnight. Whattaya say? I gotta admit, I love the slow dance. It gives me a chance to get close to my beautiful wife. Or, "that skinny bitch" as every other female at this wedding calls her.
There will be a photo booth. There will be a line.
I've been to multiple weddings that host their own photo booths. Love the concept. Hate the execution. There's ALWAYS a line. The negative is, you're waiting in line for an hour. The positive? Well, you're probably not hearing the DJ asking people to "put their hands up" to "Cotton Eye Joe". It's a wash, I guess. Hopefully, the photo booth is a self contained unit. You would hope most people can understand the concept of sitting, smiling, and retrieving their pictures. This particular wedding was home to the "World's Angriest Photo Booth Attendant". He was frazzled. I'm sure I would have been too, after having to explain how it works to Aunt Emilia for the 17th time.
I'm your bartender. And I hate you.
You want top shelf? This is open bar, pal. Take it up with the happy couple. Oh, you're ordering for your wife. How sweet. Let me just mix up a rotgut Island Breeze for her. "Cuz?" Did you just call me "cuz"? You're lucky you only ordered a bottle of beer. If I had to mix a drink for you, you'd better believe I'd spit in it. Don't forget to tip, Mister Blister!
What do you mean I'm under-dressed?
Every wedding has that one guy. Either he's late to the reception or just completely oblivious to his level of douchebaggery, but he's grossly under-dressed. No, flip flops are not considered proper evening wear. Nice denim shorts though. Did you just finish mowing a lawn? Come on, man. Join us in our misery. Dress up.
So, think twice before you make that major investment. There's a lot of money on the line and odds are long that it will all be worth it in the end. If you want my advice, do what I tell my daughters...Elope.
420 Jefferson Road (how perfect is that address, btw?).
What does this mean to you? I don't know if I can put the greatness of Mighty Taco into words. It is, in my opinion, a superior taco. You've had a variety of different tacos to be sure. But if you have yet to partake in a Mighty Taco, well, you just haven't lived.
I have taken trips to Buffalo during the work day only to enjoy the greatness. I have coerced friends and associates to act as a "Mighty Taco Vessel" delivering lukewarm tacos to our studios. I made sure that my daughter had her first Mighty Taco experience last Summer post Black Eyed Peas concert. She was 5.
Father of the Year
Welcome to Rochester, Mighty Taco. I'll take a Mighty Pack, soft shells, sour cream and hot, with a Medium Loganberry.
A few new tracks for you to check out for NEW MUSIC MONDAY!
I like that one Nicki Minaj song where she does that funny thing with her voice.
Jason Derulo is back. At last count "Don't Wanna Go Home" features about 17 different samples. It's cool though. We like it.
Hey, Nicole Scherzinger is back! Who's Nicole Scherzinger? She's the lead Pussycat Doll, silly! You know, Pussycat Dolls had some hits. Nicole? Not so much. Her new song "Right There" features 50 Cent. I liked this song better when it was called "Rude Boy" by Rihanna, but that's just me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wash my hands after viewing that video. Damn, Nicole. Eat a steak. Next case.
USA! USA! by Mike Danger,posted May 2 2011 11:26AM
We got him.
Whenever the President speaks, I hear what he's saying, I just interpret it differently. I always envision our political leaders and their speeches like a professional wrestling promo. For example, last night, to announce that we found and killed the man responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent human beings...
*Obama comes out to 'I Am A Real American' by Hulk Hogan, grabs the mic*
How was everyone's weekend? Mine was good.
Hey, Donald Trump, get any leads on my college transcript? I remember struggling with trig.
George W. Bush said he wanted him dead or alive. Dead, it turns out. Hahaha!
We are gathered here in praise of...me! I did it! I did it! Wooo!
Fox News, look on the bright side, you just got 4 more years of great ratings.
Ann Coulter! For all you transvestites out there, she's a big deal, but she's not the champ!
Now let's move forward, to the serious republican candidate. The Mormon. Who loves and implemented my healthcare plan. *pours champagne*
Back to back, baby! Two terms! Jesus saves! Jesus saves! He is lord! He is risen honey!
For everyone who wants some, my next fundraiser will have 'Osama's Dead' t-shirts in the lobby.
Rush Limbaugh, I've got the title for your next book: 'Yeah, but...'
Joe Biden, you there? You want to add anything? Kidding.
Now, I really hate to stop the coverage of William and Kate for a moment, but we killed the master terrorist of the largest attack on US soil. Stay down, England.
I'm the real king! I'm the king! I run the world! I got a big house, on the big side of town! Gators on my feet! Rolex on my wrist!
Hey, I'd love to talk about this all day but I have to act like I care or can do anything about those tornadoes.
I might get 35 percent of the vote in Oklahoma now! Custom made from head to toe!
If you had May 1st, 2011 for 'day Fox News says something resembling a compliment' go pick up your money.
In closing, The Dow is almost at 13, Bin Laden is dead, my opponent is Mormon. Michelle, get over here! *does a body shot*
Some new tracks for you to check out as you get your week started:
David Guetta featuring Flo-Rida and Nicki Minaj-Where Dem Girls At
It's 2011, so by law, Nicki Minaj needs to be on a new track. Nicki Minaj is to 2011 what Lil' Wayne was to 2009. This is a totally new and inventive sound for Guetta. Kidding. It sounds just like "Sexy Chick". That said, I really like it. What can I say? When Guetta comes with a strong beat, Flo-Rida's rapping about hoes in the club, and NIcki Minaj is doing that silly thing with her voice, it's hard to be mad.
Cody Simpson-On My Mind
I've gotta be honest. The new single from PXY Summer Jam artist Cody Simpson was nothing like what I expected. Where I was expecting a really young sounding Justin Bieber knock off, instead I hear what Justin Timberlake sounded like early in his career. Will Cody duplicate Timberlake's success? Not likely. But, this single is so much more mature than I anticipated, I was pleasantly surprised.
Some other songs I like right now:
I like that one song Pitbull is on.
That song where Kanye raps about himself is pretty good.
There's a song where Eminem sounds angry. Outstanding. That Kesha song that sounds like Lady Gaga that sounds like Madonna is really good.
The one song that Taylor Swift sings about getting screwed over by a guy is top-notch. (Thanks Lindsey!)
Oh, and I like that song from the person who was on American Idol, too. I can't remember. I think it was about love.