Weddings always happen when you don't want them to happen:
Memorial Day Weekend? Let's do a wedding! It's OK, our friends will drop everything to celebrate our special day! Hope you weren't planning to relax! You have vacation plans?! Well, guess what!? Your vacation plans now include beautiful Rochester, New York! BTW, I'm totally guilty of this (See: Labor Day 2002).
The bridesmaid dresses will NOT be flattering:
Let's face it. It's impossible to make everyone in your bridal party happy. One bridesmaid wants a dress that will take attention away from her huge ass. The Maid of Honor wants a dress that will cover her shoulders. I won't lie. It doesn't matter. I can't tell if they're in a wedding or the starting Offensive Line for the Bills. The next flattering bridesmaid dress I see will be the first.
Wedding DJ's are atrocious:
It's a tough job. I get it. I've DJ'ed weddings before. I prefer being a broadcaster. Again, you can't make everyone happy, but the music of the evening sets the tone. Most wedding DJ's can't mix chocolate milk. No, I don't want to "make some noise" while you're playing "Let's Get Loud" by Jennifer Lopez. Oh, you're going to play "Baby Got Back"? Well, that's appropriate I guess. Let's get the entire bridal party to the dance floor! What do you mean, you don't have any Ying Yang Twins!? Let's get crunk up in this bitch! Bee Gees? Cool. "Everybody in the house, come on and let me hear you say 'hoooo!'" *crickets*
Gotta quote my Twitter buddy @K92BobPatrick
"Mobile DJs are like sports officials/umpires. If you leave and you didn't notice them, they did a good job." Amen.
Italian Weddings are the best!
I met a guy named Mossimo! I thought they only existed in mafia movies! Where else can you go to hear racial slurs and be told, "Ay, you look good, cuz."? An Italian Wedding, of course! And the cookie trays? Come on!
Looks like the Bridal Party came through...
That's not a dance floor. It's one of the four corners of hell:
Men hate dancing. The "Cha-Cha Slide" is not happening. Better find one of your "besties" for that. Oh, look! She's doing the "Vogue"! It's a Lady Gaga song, but...same diff, right?! Here comes the guy who can't hold his liquor! Wow! He's assaulting anyone he makes eye contact with on the dance floor! He has no rhythm! Wait, is he having a seizure?! The wedding dance floor sucks. Except that...
I'm only in it for the sex: What's that? A slow dance? IN! Now you're talking my language! Listen, babe. If we leave now, we can bang and be asleep by midnight. Whattaya say? I gotta admit, I love the slow dance. It gives me a chance to get close to my beautiful wife. Or, "that skinny bitch" as every other female at this wedding calls her.
There will be a photo booth. There will be a line.
I've been to multiple weddings that host their own photo booths. Love the concept. Hate the execution. There's ALWAYS a line. The negative is, you're waiting in line for an hour. The positive? Well, you're probably not hearing the DJ asking people to "put their hands up" to "Cotton Eye Joe". It's a wash, I guess. Hopefully, the photo booth is a self contained unit. You would hope most people can understand the concept of sitting, smiling, and retrieving their pictures. This particular wedding was home to the "World's Angriest Photo Booth Attendant". He was frazzled. I'm sure I would have been too, after having to explain how it works to Aunt Emilia for the 17th time.
I'm your bartender. And I hate you.
You want top shelf? This is open bar, pal. Take it up with the happy couple. Oh, you're ordering for your wife. How sweet. Let me just mix up a rotgut Island Breeze for her. "Cuz?" Did you just call me "cuz"? You're lucky you only ordered a bottle of beer. If I had to mix a drink for you, you'd better believe I'd spit in it. Don't forget to tip, Mister Blister!
What do you mean I'm under-dressed?
Every wedding has that one guy. Either he's late to the reception or just completely oblivious to his level of douchebaggery, but he's grossly under-dressed. No, flip flops are not considered proper evening wear. Nice denim shorts though. Did you just finish mowing a lawn? Come on, man. Join us in our misery. Dress up.
So, think twice before you make that major investment. There's a lot of money on the line and odds are long that it will all be worth it in the end. If you want my advice, do what I tell my daughters...Elope.
Afternoons:
.jpg)
I'm your bartender. And I hate you.
